A vacation to the Gulf Coast gives you a bunch of water, waves, sun, sand and a much-needed escape from everyday life. What else does a trip to the beach give you? Lessons, lots and lots of lessons. Our entire trip last weekend was so entertaining, I couldn’t wait to get back home to write about it, and the learning started even before we left our driveway.  

The Wife, our granddaughter Sweet Caroline, and Yours Truly took a quick trip to the beach while our other granddaughter was playing in the National Regional Soccer Tournament in Dallas, Texas. You’d think as many times as I’ve been on beach vacations, I couldn’t learn anything new. And while I am the first to admit I don’t know everything, even I was surprised as to how many new things I became aware of. Here is but a short list. After all I do have a maximum word count to my stories.

The GPS lies!

After inputting your destination in the GPS, the shortest and fastest route is not always the shortest and fastest route. When you add time for the five construction slowdowns, three “I can’t hold it any longer” bathroom breaks, two stops for changing drivers, one “I’m hungry!” lunch stop, and slowing down for a person (not to be named) taking multiple videos along the way of cool things to show his kindergarten kids this fall, the shortest and fastest route isn’t. It took an extra hour to get to our destination, but the kids are gonna really love all the cool videos.

 Air conditioned for me, but not for thee.

It’s been a long time since I’ve ridden in the backseat during a family vacation, but not so long that I’ve forgotten how hot it can get back there. For all those vacations we went on while growing up on that old familiar street not so far away called Flamingo, none included air conditioning in our car. The only air flow in the backseat was from our windows being rolled down. That was then; this is now. 

When we got back home, we asked Sweet Caroline how she liked the trip. We were surprised when she said, “I loved the trip, but the drive down and back was really hot.” It seems the air conditioning in the backseat of our car doesn’t work as well as in the front. And no, telling her the above story about when I went on vacation as a kid with no air conditioning at all did not make her feel any better. But the portable, battery-operated three-speed fan I just ordered certainly will during our next trip.

Please don’t leave me!

Never leave your computer back at the house because you think I won’t find anything to write about. Besides I’m going to relax. Yes, you will. And no, you won’t. You’ll be using your “relaxing time” sitting in a beach chair under the umbrella trying to see your sun washed out phone screen and taking a bunch of notes instead of enjoying the ocean with the family. 

Yellow is the new red.

If you want a great spot on the beach near the water, go out about 6:00 am, stake your claim with a few chairs and umbrella, then go back in and have a nice breakfast with the family. When the family gets to the beach, take note of the flag on display at the lifeguard station. For our second and third day, the flag was yellow, but with the horrific riptide and ginormous waves we experienced, the flag should’ve been red. In all my years going to the Gulf, I’ve never seen five- to six-foot waves, but for two days that’s what pounded the white beach of Panama City. Note to readers: if you’re going to the beach over the next couple of weeks and find a pair of expensive Ray-Bans and a new beach hat, please send me a note. Otherwise, there’s a stylish shark out there swimming around wearing all our stuff.  

The world’s largest banana.

 To escape the heat of the afternoon, we walked a block away and visited the many shops the Pier Park area had to offer. We finally ended up at Dave and Buster’s, where we spent over three hours and had a great time. For those of you who are not familiar with this establishment, it’s the modern-day version of a giant pinball arcade with several restaurants inside. Enjoy all the arcade games and lunch or dinner first before letting your child be strapped in to play the human-size grappling hook game. Otherwise, you’ll be walking around the arcade with a seven-foot-tall inflatable banana for the next three hours.  

Gas, snacks, and lots of alligators!

Just north of Eufaula, Alabama is a place called Gator Stop. To be honest, if you’re traveling seventy miles an hour, it just looks like a regular gas station from the road. Guess that’s why over the sixty years my family took trips down to Panama City, we never stopped there – that changed last weekend. 

Sweet Caroline’s question from the backseat was hard to ignore, “Can we stop? I have to use the bathroom.” It just so happened this was one mile before the Gator Stop so we decided to…stop. 

With clean bathrooms, tons of snacks, and low gas prices, the place had everything one would want in a quick stop, and to our surprise it had something else. The cashier asked us if we had ever walked over and seen the alligators. Yes, Dear Reader, The Alligator Stop is actually an alligator farm! You can walk around two fenced-in lakes and see about half a dozen alligators ranging from two to over six feet in length. Take all the pictures you want, but don’t feed them. From now on, we’ll slow down and stop on the way down and back on our future beach vacations.  

Finally, don’t be a dummy.

After packing the night before and getting up at 4:00 am to head back home, there is one thing you absolutely must resist doing. Of everything I learned during our recent trip to the beach, this is the most important. For all my friends out there, resist the following temptation with every fiber in your body. When you are two hours into a six-hour drive and it’s been pouring down rain ever since leaving the resort, do not under any circumstances start talking about how much earlier you’ll need to get up and leave the house on your next vacation to make it down to the beach (and that rib place you love) by lunchtime.

If you do, you just might get poked in the ribs…by your loved one.